I HAVE RETURNED

Yes, the title reads true. I have returned to blog more! I'm sure you all missed me and my adorableness, but I have returned and will not leave it so long again.
Yrros about that. If you're new to my blog, "yrros" is sorry backwards, because sorry is very painful to say for a Cat. So whenever I say "yrros", it just means sorry. AAA! I said it.
  Anyways, nothing new has been happening in the world of me. Does anybody else think that the humans are getting stupider? Mine have hung up little decorations for some weird holiday called "Halloween" where servants everywhere force their amazing animals to wear ridiculous costumes. Of course, if you're a d-o-g, it's quite amusing.
 If you want some regular daily updates of my majestic life, just drop me a tweet on twitter, I have a link of to the side.
 So that's about it in the amazing world of ME.
-Clark the majestic Cat

 

Worst.Picture.Ever.

I'm not even sure why I'm sharing this with you. It's pretty bad. I mean, wow. I don't even know. There are no words to describe the terror that is that photo.
  I-
I-
I just-

 
 



I know. It's horrendous.
The only reason I'm sharing this with you is because I know that my humans would find it and post it to ICanHazCHeezeburger, with some stupid little caption like-

"I WUUUUUUVVVVVV CATNIP."
Or something like that, because that's what humans spend their spare time doing.
So I thought that I should show it to you before you found at the hard way.
 Don't laugh at me.
-Clark the Undignified Cat

Grounded. (Again)

My human's drive me crazy. Seriously, they won't let me go outside at night anymore!!! For the stupidest reason too, (Original Human stupidity here). Go ahead and read it. I'll wait.

Are you done? Good. So now you can obviously see the stupidity that they displayed once, after a while though, they loosened up and let me outside again, so a few nights ago I decided it was okay to kill another bunny and leave it in her yard again.
But for mysterious reason she didn't like having a dead bunny in her yard at 1 in the morning.
So  weird, I know.
So now I have to stay inside again, but I'm gonna meow, tear up the weatherstripping, and bother my humans so much that they will give in and I will get another bunny. And the cycle goes on.

This is why Cats are superior to humans...
-Clark the Superior Cat
 

"Logic"

Have any of your humans ever  tried to use logic? Whenever mine attempt it, it ends up all wrong. (That should tell you how intelligent they are...)
    So, one of my human's rooms was all messy, with clothes and other random junk hanging everywhere. And it was the best room ever. I could pounce in the clothes, claw them up, go onto the bookcase and knock anything that's up there down. I could bat the zippers and strings around, and best of all, I found almost 20 pipe cleaners!!!!
  Pipe cleaners remind me of caterpillars. And I like caterpillars.
But then my human CLEANED her room!!! Yeah, she actually cleaned it. No clothes on the floor, no precious knick-knacks on the bookcase, and the pipe cleaners are hidden.
    I was so confused.
What's so good about a clean room?
Nothing. It's boring. And some of my  humans didn't help either, all they did was nag her to clean her room.
So all my humans are brainless.
Why am I not surprised?
-Clark the not-surprised Cat

Not your rug.

My servants drive me crazy. Seriously, they get mad at me over NOTHING!!  So, I just woke up and walked up to my scratcher, one of those nice flat ones and started scratching on it. It's a scratcher, I was just doing what I was supposed to do, but for some reason they told me to-"Get off their rug".
 None of those words make any sense to me, they're my servants, they shouldn't be allowed to order me around!!! And what is this mysterious rug? Could they possibly talking about my scratcher? And why would they be calling it theirs? Everything is mine... Humans are so confusing.
  How could they call it their rug when there's so many pictures of me on it?! Seriously, just look at this!

Sometimes I amaze myself with my own beauty...

 

How many pictures are there of you sprawled out on the rug? Hmmm? I thought so.





 

-Clark the self-satisfied Cat

Shamed

We all have our bad days, yes? And some bad days are badder than others, some are just mildly bad and some are right-out awful. I believe today was one of the right-out awful days.
   You see, I woke up this afternoon, and expected to see my canned Meow Mix. Instead, I saw my regular food. I'm not saying it's bad, but after all that Meow Mix..... it's hard to go back.
  So then I was all traumatized and had to sleep for a few more hours. I know, it's very tough.
    When I was feeling a little better, I went outside and meowed at the door for a solid 2 minutes. 2 minutes. That's too darn long!!! My humans should be at my beck and call, ready to jump up at the click of my claws. But they weren't. So I went over to the computer to blog about all the unfairness of this whole situation when I saw an article that one of my humans had stupidly left open. I nearly screamed.
It was about the dangers of letting your Cat outside. And why
You.
shouldn't.
Let.
them
outside
anymore.

Yes, you read that right. I was shocked. Just shocked. But it gets worse, as I read farther into that horrifying article, it said that if you want to let your Cat outside, you should put them on a leash or a harness! What?!!! Would you humans like to only be outside if you were on a leash or a harness? I think not.
    So I went over to the door and pawed at it and looked cute until one on of my humans gave in.
 Then I walked over to my spot, the one with the grass and the little plastic black thingy that you can roll over. It's a very good back scratcher. I just sat there and rolled around on the nice soft grass, when suddenly- my little back scratcher popped up, made a little whoosh noise and sprayed water everywhere! Everywhere! Even on me!!!!!! Me!!!! So now I was wet. Wet. That's just unacceptable. Then of course, I saw those yappy little d-o-gs from across the street, and they started LAUGHING at me. That's right. LAUGHING!!  (Yes, d-o-gs can laugh, but it's a very unpleasant choking sound. Even they can tell that it sounds stupid.) I maintained my dignity all the way to my door until one of the watery things sprayed water over me again. I can only take so much.
Overall, not a very good day in the life of Clark
-Clark the shamed Cat

Ask me anything, I know everything.....

Hello peeps. What is new in the brilliantly beautiful mind of Clark the amazing Cat this week? You may ask. Well, as you are well aware, Cats are infinitely superior, and know everything. So, I will answer anything you ask me. Yes, you read that right. You can get a glimpse into the orcale of wisdom this is the mind of a Cat. I will answer any questions until September 5th, then, well, you'll just have to wait until I feel generous again. (which might not be for a while..)
   So hurry!! Ask away!!!
Yes, now.
Are you gonna ask or not?
-Clark the oh-so-generous- Cat.