Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Happy Holidays!

Hello there peeps! I'm quite preoccupied at the moment, I got some catnip toys and I've been the center of attention, rolling around in them and being adorable. Acting rather high really, but the servants just find it adorable. I question their logic too, but I am pretty adorable, you can't really blame them.
    But I took a break from being high on catnip to offer all of you a Merry Christmas. Or other holiday, really just Merry Holidays in general.
  Why do people always say "Merry Christmas" and "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Holidays"?
Humans are confusing.
Well, I should get back to being adorable and acting high now, have to keep the humans entertained.
-Clark the merry Cat

Monday, December 17, 2012

The CD is out!

Hello there peeps. In case you didn't know, I am the spokescat for a truly amazing alliance, The Fayetville Ska Alliance. Here's my original post, (Original Post).
  Their new CD is out! I have to admit, it's incredibly awesome. Catchy, creative, and a new twist on the old holiday tunes. And no, I was not payed to say that. It's all true.
  This is high praise coming from a Cat. We have impeccable taste in music, and, as a Cat, I approve of this CD, even recommend it. That enough should be a fantastic incentive to go and buy it.If you're still not convinced, (and I'm very confuzzled as to why)  it's for a good cause, 100 percent of CD sales will be donated directly to Spay Arkansas, which operates the NWA Spay and Neuter Clinic. Which benefits animals, which is a fantastic thing, and if you don't like animals, I don't like you.
    If you're still not convinced, take a look at this-






















 That's right peeps, Number 1. So, that's a fantastic reason in itself.

Even if you don't celebrate Christmas,this CD makes a fantastic present for someone who does.
     If you still don't want to buy it, fine. But you're missing out.
You can buy it here- Amazon, CD Baby, iTunes,  and Google Play.
 What are you waiting for? Go get it!
-Clark the Musical Cat

Friday, December 7, 2012

Faux Cats

Hello Peeps. I was just chilling on my social media accounts, (which you should go follow me on. Go. Follow my awesomeness. Now.) and I began to notice that most "Cats" on the Internet, are actually people! I, of course, being an actual Cat, know that they're not Cats because of the way they talk. For example, in one of these "faux Cat" accounts, the phrase "I tolerate you" becomes- "I WuVVVVVVVVV U!!!!!!111!!!"
  Which, no self-respecting Cat would type like. And all Cats have self respect, because we're very aware of our amazingness. We're also very intelligent. Even the less intelligent Cats of the Internet know how to type correctly. It's insulting really, to be portrayed in such a demeaning and undignified manner. And do you humans really think we call you "Mommy"? Because I've noticed a growing trend of Cats typing things like- "I wuvvvvv my mommy so much she gives me fishhhhh".
   Some human servants can be so dim! While I am aware of you servants loving us, (It's not like I blame you, we're pretty awesome) we do not EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER call you "Mommy" or "Daddy" or any of those little names you believe we do.
     How would you like to have your whole species spread across the Internet, portrayed as imbeciles, writing with horrible grammar? Imagine it for a moment.
   Now do you know the horror? The ridicule? Do you understand how horribly insulting it is?
So stop. 
You hear me, stop.
Or else.

-Clark the Cat 
   

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Chuck Norris of Cats

I got in a fight. Yeah, that's right, I got in a fight. I don't know why you're suprised, I am Clark after all. I'm like the Chuck Norris of Cats. 
 And we started to fight, I of course, beat the living crap out of him, cause  I am Clark after all, then I saunterd home to tell my humans of my victory. You would think that they would congratulate me for being so awesome, but they didn't! Instead they fawned over me and got all worried and acted stupid.
   It wasn't even that big of a scratch, just a little one on my nose, but I wanted to show it off and be all tough and macho all the same.
Stupid humans.
-Clark the Chuck Norris of Cats

Saturday, November 10, 2012

It's the human's fault

I know how I said that I would be back to blogging more, but it's a little hard when the stupid computer is crashing all the time. Yes, my computer broke.
*cue gasp*
   It's been pretty bad. I couldn't post adorable pictures of me, tweet snarky Cat phrases, update any statuses on my facebook, etc. So I've just been sitting at home. Bored. My computer seems to be working again, though I blame my humans for using it. IT'S MINE! Do I have to go into this again? Everything is MINE! Everything.
  The humans have seemed to fixed up the computer a little, and I can finally get back to blogging.
So yrros for this late post. It won't happen again. Hopefully.
 
    I actually do have some interesting stuff happening now though. While the internet was broken,  I got back into the wild (read: The neighbor's yard). And I found some pretty interesting stuff.
  Like, that humans plant these nice little flowers in little mounds that are really fun to dig up and pee in. I also found out that if you find a backyard with a d-o-g in it, you can sit on the fence and taunt them. They will ALWAYS bark up at you. It's hilarious.
  So....that's what I did while my internet was being stupid.
-Clark the intelligent Cat
 

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

I HAVE RETURNED

Yes, the title reads true. I have returned to blog more! I'm sure you all missed me and my adorableness, but I have returned and will not leave it so long again.
Yrros about that. If you're new to my blog, "yrros" is sorry backwards, because sorry is very painful to say for a Cat. So whenever I say "yrros", it just means sorry. AAA! I said it.
  Anyways, nothing new has been happening in the world of me. Does anybody else think that the humans are getting stupider? Mine have hung up little decorations for some weird holiday called "Halloween" where servants everywhere force their amazing animals to wear ridiculous costumes. Of course, if you're a d-o-g, it's quite amusing.
 If you want some regular daily updates of my majestic life, just drop me a tweet on twitter, I have a link of to the side.
 So that's about it in the amazing world of ME.
-Clark the majestic Cat

 

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Worst.Picture.Ever.

I'm not even sure why I'm sharing this with you. It's pretty bad. I mean, wow. I don't even know. There are no words to describe the terror that is that photo.
  I-
I-
I just-

 
 



I know. It's horrendous.
The only reason I'm sharing this with you is because I know that my humans would find it and post it to ICanHazCHeezeburger, with some stupid little caption like-

"I WUUUUUUVVVVVV CATNIP."
Or something like that, because that's what humans spend their spare time doing.
So I thought that I should show it to you before you found at the hard way.
 Don't laugh at me.
-Clark the Undignified Cat

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Grounded. (Again)

My human's drive me crazy. Seriously, they won't let me go outside at night anymore!!! For the stupidest reason too, (Original Human stupidity here). Go ahead and read it. I'll wait.

Are you done? Good. So now you can obviously see the stupidity that they displayed once, after a while though, they loosened up and let me outside again, so a few nights ago I decided it was okay to kill another bunny and leave it in her yard again.
But for mysterious reason she didn't like having a dead bunny in her yard at 1 in the morning.
So  weird, I know.
So now I have to stay inside again, but I'm gonna meow, tear up the weatherstripping, and bother my humans so much that they will give in and I will get another bunny. And the cycle goes on.

This is why Cats are superior to humans...
-Clark the Superior Cat
 

Monday, September 10, 2012

"Logic"

Have any of your humans ever  tried to use logic? Whenever mine attempt it, it ends up all wrong. (That should tell you how intelligent they are...)
    So, one of my human's rooms was all messy, with clothes and other random junk hanging everywhere. And it was the best room ever. I could pounce in the clothes, claw them up, go onto the bookcase and knock anything that's up there down. I could bat the zippers and strings around, and best of all, I found almost 20 pipe cleaners!!!!
  Pipe cleaners remind me of caterpillars. And I like caterpillars.
But then my human CLEANED her room!!! Yeah, she actually cleaned it. No clothes on the floor, no precious knick-knacks on the bookcase, and the pipe cleaners are hidden.
    I was so confused.
What's so good about a clean room?
Nothing. It's boring. And some of my  humans didn't help either, all they did was nag her to clean her room.
So all my humans are brainless.
Why am I not surprised?
-Clark the not-surprised Cat

Monday, September 3, 2012

Not your rug.

My servants drive me crazy. Seriously, they get mad at me over NOTHING!!  So, I just woke up and walked up to my scratcher, one of those nice flat ones and started scratching on it. It's a scratcher, I was just doing what I was supposed to do, but for some reason they told me to-"Get off their rug".
 None of those words make any sense to me, they're my servants, they shouldn't be allowed to order me around!!! And what is this mysterious rug? Could they possibly talking about my scratcher? And why would they be calling it theirs? Everything is mine... Humans are so confusing.
  How could they call it their rug when there's so many pictures of me on it?! Seriously, just look at this!
Sometimes I amaze myself with my own beauty...


 
How many pictures are there of you sprawled out on the rug? Hmmm? I thought so.


 

-Clark the self-satisfied Cat

Monday, August 27, 2012

Shamed

We all have our bad days, yes? And some bad days are badder than others, some are just mildly bad and some are right-out awful. I believe today was one of the right-out awful days.
   You see, I woke up this afternoon, and expected to see my canned Meow Mix. Instead, I saw my regular food. I'm not saying it's bad, but after all that Meow Mix..... it's hard to go back.
  So then I was all traumatized and had to sleep for a few more hours. I know, it's very tough.
    When I was feeling a little better, I went outside and meowed at the door for a solid 2 minutes. 2 minutes. That's too darn long!!! My humans should be at my beck and call, ready to jump up at the click of my claws. But they weren't. So I went over to the computer to blog about all the unfairness of this whole situation when I saw an article that one of my humans had stupidly left open. I nearly screamed.
It was about the dangers of letting your Cat outside. And why
You.
shouldn't.
Let.
them
outside
anymore.

Yes, you read that right. I was shocked. Just shocked. But it gets worse, as I read farther into that horrifying article, it said that if you want to let your Cat outside, you should put them on a leash or a harness! What?!!! Would you humans like to only be outside if you were on a leash or a harness? I think not.
    So I went over to the door and pawed at it and looked cute until one on of my humans gave in.
 Then I walked over to my spot, the one with the grass and the little plastic black thingy that you can roll over. It's a very good back scratcher. I just sat there and rolled around on the nice soft grass, when suddenly- my little back scratcher popped up, made a little whoosh noise and sprayed water everywhere! Everywhere! Even on me!!!!!! Me!!!! So now I was wet. Wet. That's just unacceptable. Then of course, I saw those yappy little d-o-gs from across the street, and they started LAUGHING at me. That's right. LAUGHING!!  (Yes, d-o-gs can laugh, but it's a very unpleasant choking sound. Even they can tell that it sounds stupid.) I maintained my dignity all the way to my door until one of the watery things sprayed water over me again. I can only take so much.
Overall, not a very good day in the life of Clark
-Clark the shamed Cat

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Ask me anything, I know everything.....

Hello peeps. What is new in the brilliantly beautiful mind of Clark the amazing Cat this week? You may ask. Well, as you are well aware, Cats are infinitely superior, and know everything. So, I will answer anything you ask me. Yes, you read that right. You can get a glimpse into the orcale of wisdom this is the mind of a Cat. I will answer any questions until September 5th, then, well, you'll just have to wait until I feel generous again. (which might not be for a while..)
   So hurry!! Ask away!!!
Yes, now.
Are you gonna ask or not?
-Clark the oh-so-generous- Cat.

Friday, August 17, 2012

In the rain

I know this is unusual, stealing one of my human's mysterious rectangles, (which is called an I-pad. How strange) and blogging from it, but I can't move my computer outside. So I had to, bring their IPad outside instead, it's raining right now, and there's nothing I like more watching the rain on the the doorstep and watch the rain. Very peaceful. Gives us Cats time to reflect on life. Like the wonders of the can opener, the beauty of our reflections, or just how itchy our ears our. Yes, we Cats are intelligent and philosophical beings.
-Clark the intelligent and philosophical Cat

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

CRISIS

RED ALERT!!!! SOUND THE ALARMS!!!CALL THE COPS!!!!! THE SWAT TEAM!!!!!BEAM IN ALIENS!!!!! ANYBODY!!!! I CAN SEE THE BOTTOM OF MY BOWL!!!!!
   Oh wait- here come a human, HUMAN!!! REFILL MY FOOD BOWL!!! I suppose I should tell you what just happened. You see - this morning I came inside and strolled over to my food dish, like I usually do. Whenever I do this, I expect a full dish, no empty spots. And I got a full dish, except for this one tiny spot in the middle, the size of a claw or so, that didn't have any food in it!! Seriously, I could see white!!! The bottom of my bowl. It's shocking. Very shocking. Seriously, the service of the servants today....
-Clark the shocked and disgruntled Cat

Thursday, August 9, 2012

The Catlympics

As many of you can tell, the Olympics are on right now. So I decided to get in the spirit. Here are some Cat-related olympic sports.
 Like this.




Or this-


The balance beam-
Cat Olympics: Picture Gallery of Kitty Olympic Events


The ever popular floor routine-
Picture of Jaspurr, Competing in the Cat Olympics Freestyle Roll Event, Dirt Division

And my favorite-
Picture of Mojo in the Toilet Paper Shred Event of Cat Olympics
The toilet Paper Destruction Event!!!

I think I'll practice some freestyle sleeping now...
-Clark the sporty Cat

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Too hot to handle....

Once again, my humans disgust me with their stupidity. You see, it's summer, and it's very hot outside. So I stay inside. Simple. I didn't even think my humans could screw that up.
   Yet, they did. They broke the Air Conditioner. I know. How stupid could they be? Don't they know that it's hot outside?!?!?!?
  So now I'm going inside and outside, constantly meowing at the door to feel the cross breeze.
  Sigh.
-Clark the Cat

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Moving Picture Magic


User submitted animted GIF
Me, in all my GIF glory.


TA-DA! I got very bored over the weekend, so I stole my human's I-pad (one of the mysteries of the mysterious rectangles solved!)  and downloaded an app that takes pictures and makes them into a repetive movie.
   Now all my fans can see me in action, and you must admit, it looks pretty dang awesome.
-Clark the technology-savvy Cat

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Being sick has its perks....

I know what you're thinking-
  "Oh great and wonderful oracle of Cat wisdom, why haven't you bestowed any of your amazing advice on us lately?"
  You see, I have been slightly sick for the past few days. Nothing serious. Just a cold. But it was a cold strong enough to make my humans overly protective and worried.
  So I've been hanging around the house and ordering them around. All I had to do was look pitiful and BAM!! A delicious can of Meow Mix Canned Cat food was dumped in my bowl! Seriously, if it weren't for being sick I would have enjoyed the whole experience.
  -Clark the Cat

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Betrayal

Well, I don't know how to start this post.
  I mean, this is crazy.
I was sitting on the neighbor's fence when I saw the d-o-g. Not totally unusual.
 But.
  My human.
Miss. Sara.
  Was walking it.
Yes. You read that right, Miss. Sara was walking the d-o-g. I just stared, shocked into silence.
  Seriously, my eyes were bugged out, my mouth was dropped open, I was totally still.
Then, she petted it. She actually petted the d-o-g.
I think she even, gulp, likes the d-o-g.
-Clark the flabbergasted Cat




Friday, July 20, 2012

FSA

Today I am blogging about a very important organization. The Fayetville Ska Alliance. It's a group of humans that help the animals of Fayettville, Arkansas through music. A very cool and worthwhile alliance.
I strongly encourage all of you to check out the site here: http://fayettevilleska.com/, or in the link list on the side.
       Trust me, it's awesome. Very awesome.
Oh, and did I mention that they made me their spokescat?
-Clark the Cat

Monday, July 16, 2012

Anti-share zone

What is the stupidest thing ever invented? I asked myself this, and I thought of many things, humans, d-o-gs, etc.. But I think the worst one is the concept of sharing.
  Why should I share anything? I'm a Cat, I'm above all that. Yet, I am still asked to share. Like if I'm sitting in a chair, I should not move. It's MY chair. It's MY blanket, MY computer, MY scratcher (not your rug!)
  Pretty much everything is mine, and I see no reason to share it. The whole idea of sharing is stupid! Unless, you happen to sharing with me.
-Clark the anti-shareable Cat

Friday, July 13, 2012

Humans don't deserve chairs!

Cats love chairs, everybody knows that, right?
  Everybody meaning everybody besides my humans. See, I was simply laying in the middle of the hallway when I saw one of my humans get up from my favorite chair. I was thinking, "Yes, now my chair's open!" As she started digging around in the kitchen, I raced over and sat in the chair that the human was just occupying.
   But just as I thought of how awesome this chair was and how nice it was of my human too pre-warm it for me, she came back in. And then told me to get off "her" chair!
 1st of all, it was obviously MY chair, and 2nd of all, even if it was her chair, I'm a Cat, we always deserve chairs, humans can just sit on the floor.
-Clark the Supreme Cat

Monday, July 9, 2012

The nominees are.....

So I was just surfing the web when I saw that I had a new tweet on my twitter feed, (of course, I always have new tweets, I'm so popular!) But this one was about the Petties DogTime blog awards.
  It's a whole page of blogs up for cool awards in categories like; Best Cat blog, Best designed blog, best blog post, etc. (All animal related by the way.) 
      And before you ask, no, I am (very sadly) not up for anything, but some other cool Cats are, so go check out the page at  http://petties.dogtime.com/.
-Clark the Cat
 

Sunday, July 8, 2012

The worst

Well, it happened. The worst has come. Another d-o-g is visiting. Yep, you heard that right, we have 2 d-o-gs now. I think it's only staying for a little while though. (It better!)
       But even through this  disgusting and devastating event, I'm actually in a good mood, my humans finally came through with the fish I ordered and I'm not irritated at them for once.
 If it weren't for the extra d-o-g, I might actually be nice to my humans for a while!
-Clark the Cat

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Fish

Cats have always loved fish. How could we not? They're easily some of the most delectable morsels to ever walk (swim, whatever) the earth. So it is the duty of humans  everywhere to always have a large and fresh supply of fish for us.
    You see, this morning two of them went fishing, and they actually caught fish, but they didn't bring me back any! Catch and release they said.
  Eh, so unfair. They better have a plentiful supply of fish waiting for me tomorrow morning. Or else.
-Clark the devious Cat

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Summer days

It has been so boring around my house lately, all my humans are either working, hanging out with friends, or swimming at the local pool. (Why would anyone voluntarily jump into a large pool of water?!)
       So I've mostly been inside, sleeping all day. Yes, incredibly boring, but at night I sneak out and throw crazy Cat parties with some of my Cat buds.  These parties usually involve chasing small animals and meowing at the top of our lungs. But don't tell my humans, I don't think that they would be very happy if they knew that I liked to meow at our neighbors windows in the middle of the night.
-Clark the Cat

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

A year of awesomeness.


As many of you know, I don't really say thank you very often, but I think that I should now. You see, I was just scrolling through some of my old posts when I realized that it had been a year since I started this blog!!
  When I got over that awesomeness, I saw that I had posted 99 total posts! So not only is this celebrating a year of superb writing, but it's also celebrating my 100th post! (Could it have worked out more perfectly?)
  So a big thanks to all my humans, fellow Cats, followers, and even the d-o-g. You guys always gave me something to write about! (Especially you d-o-g, especially you.)
     Sigh, I'm so happy that I might even be nice to my servants for a while.

-Clark the insanely happy Cat

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Tweet tweet

As some of you may have noticed, I put another link on my blog, it reads- "My Twitter feed of awesomeness"
         So yes, I have set up a twitter account. But not to stay in touch with old friends or whatever. I set up an account to find that  annoying little blue bird that's all over Twitter. It's constantly tweeting. but I can never seem to find it.
     Sigh. So close, but so far.
-Clark the Cat

Friday, June 22, 2012

What a nice present.....


Once again, the logic of my humans leaves me perplexed.
  You see, I've been noticing this huge glass container in the middle of a table, it's been there for months, but it didn't look very interesting until I got up closer and saw something move in inside it.
   It was a gecko!
I was totally fascinated and couldn't stop watching the little critter scamper around his tank. As he moved around I started to get a little emotional, I just couldn't get over the fact that my humans bought me such a nice snack.
   But when they saw me hitting the sides of the tank, trying to get my lovely present, they made get off the table.
So strange. They bought me a present and not even allowed to eat it? I will never understand what goes on in those little heads of theirs.
-Clark the confused Cat

Monday, June 18, 2012

Mewsic

Even though Cats don't really like loud noises we do enjoy (some types of) music. My humans are constantly playing music from their (still mysterious) rectangles, my computer, the radio, etc. Most Cats enjoy this, and I did too until the whole euphonium thing. Shudder.
     But even through that, I still liked other types of music. Up until yesterday that is. I was just calmly sitting on top of a bookshelf and supervising my humans as they went about their boring human lives when a song came through their radio. I didn't think it was a very good song, but my humans apparently did. They started singing along to it.  Trust me, there is a reason they are not in any type of choir, the horrible sounds that were coming through their mouths were the equivalent of nails on a chalkboard. It was ear torture. But to make matters worse, they actually started dancing to the song. So now it was ear AND eye torture. I was so mortified that I just turned around and tried to ignore them.
-Clark the highly embarrassed Cat

Saturday, June 16, 2012

It

As I have clearly stated before, I detest the d-o-g. But for some reason, my humans actually enjoy its company.
       I'm not jealous of it or anything, but I do have to monitor it, just to make sure that it doesn't be mean to my humans. After all, I am their protector.
   But yesterday, I saw three of my humans go outside with it. THREE!!!!!!! And then, they began feeding him! How crazy is that?!?!?!?
 I gave them the silent treatment when they came back inside, but they didn't notice.
-Clark the not jealous Cat

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Human logic: oxymoron

I know I've said it before, and I know I'll say it again, but I just don't get humans. Just yesterday, I was stuck inside (I think my magic door might door might be broken) and going crazy.
     So when I saw Miss. Sara calmly sitting and looking at something, I attacked!!
I only scratched her a little bit, but for some reason, she was really mad. When really  it's all there fault, if they had just let me outside at night none of this would have happened!!
 Sigh, humans.
-Clark the disgruntled Cat

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Invasion!

I am so mad right now! I was just calmly sitting in my front yard when I saw a human. Not totally out of the ordinary, except for the fact that she had TWO d-o-gs with her! That's right, TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!
   If that wasn't bad enough, they actually had the nerve to walk on my sidewalk! My sidewalk!
D-o-gs and humans are easily the most brainless creatures on Earth!!!!
-Clark the angry Cat

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Stupid rain.

What on earth is wrong with my humans? I was just calmly sitting outside and basking in the warm sun, when a dark cloud passed over me. Just as I was ordering it to stop taking my sunlight, it began to rain.
         Well, contrary to popular belief, Cats don't hate all rain. We just hate heavy rain. Of course, in a matter of minutes, the tolerable sprinkles had morphed into heavy,wet drops that beat the ground insistently. What was there to do but meow piteously?
     Soon enough my humans opened up the door let me inside, as soon as they closed the door, the rain decided to stop raining. Good timing. So I meowed until Miss. Sara and Mr. Cyrus came over to me and were about to open the door when it started raining again. Sigh.
   So now I'm staring moodily at the door, clawing up the weather stripping and wishing that I could go back outside.
   Hmmm... maybe I'll go scare one of my humans, I'm sure all of this is their fault.
-Clark the rather frustrated Cat

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Why Cats and d-o-gs don't mix.

I can't stand the d-o-g . He's so.. so... so.. brainless! For example, a few days ago I decided to try and hold an intelligent conversation with him. So I went over to the window and waited. There he was, in all his d-o-gness. When he saw me he immediately perked up and started wagging his tail. I started to meow when he barked. It shook the floors it was so loud! On instinct, I hissed. When that didn't do anything, I hissed again. You would think that a large, hissing Cat would put most creatures off, but the d-o-g?
   No. He just continued to wag his tail and be unbearably happy. When I realized that a conversation would be impossible I growled and slinked out of the room. This is pretty much the reason that Cats and d-o-gs just don't get along.
-Clark the Cat
 

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Decisions, decisions.


Have you ever decided that you want to do something, but then you think about it later and decide that you don't really want to do it? It's not like it's a BAD thing, just a good decision.
  So why do my humans not think so?
You see, sometimes I want to go outside, so I'll meow at my humans and they'll open the door. Then I'll sit outside for a minute, ponder the world, soak up the sun, or whatever you want to call sitting and staring at birds. Then, when I decide that there’s is nothing exciting going on, I’ll meow to go back inside.
   But then I'll decide that the inside is even MORE boring than the outside, (if such a thing is possible) so I'll go back outside. And the cycle will repeat itself. Usually about every 30 seconds.

I don't see anything wrong with this, but my humans don't like it. I wonder why?

-Clark the Contrary Cat

Friday, May 25, 2012

Another victory for Catkind

Humans get mad way too easy. Last night for example. I was stuck inside because all my humans were asleep. So I was just wondering around until I saw a bookcase. It was pretty high up, all flat, and exactly where I knew I wasn't supposed to go. In other words, it was the perfect place for a Cat.
  So I leaped on top of it and started to get comfortable. The only problem was that there was a whole bunch of junk on top of it. A dusty baseball with ink on it, some little statues, a weird wooden thing that one of my humans gave her. You know, stupid little human knickknacks. So I was just calmly knocking it off when she decided to wake up.
   (Could there have been a worst time?) She tried to move me, but when that didn't work she begged, and when that didn't work, she just moved all her stuff and went back to bed.
VICTORY!
-Clark the victorious Cat

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

It's all about me!


I was just surfing the web when I pulled up a file full of pictures. Some were just of my humans, (boring!) But others were of me. I never truly realized how gorgeous I was until today. As I scrolled through them, I thought, “I’m too beautiful for just one computer, I must share these with the world!" So here they are!

Just plain amazing.

Aren't I adorable?

Sigh. You just can't get better than that.

The ever popular Sphinx pose.
-Clark the photogenic Cat

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

My poor ears.

I used to think that my humans had a limit to their insanity. I thought that they just couldn't get any weirder. Well, up until about 2 years ago when one of humans brought home the Euphonium. When I first heard that word, I laughed. ( Well , on the inside, as Cats can't really laugh.)
   It's a shiny, gold-colored chunk of metal curved into a weird shape, I've enclosed a picture of it, as it's just too hard to describe.
Anyways, as I was sitting and laughing at its name (on the inside) when my human picked it up and blew into it. I almost yowled, it was such a horrible noise. All loud and terrible. Just plain awful. It made me think of a constipated elephant. Unfortunately my human seems to enjoy listening to it and plays it everyday. 
  Why? Why? Why?
-Clark the Cat
The most horrible thing in the world

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Grounded


Sometimes I worry about my humans. Like right now for instance. You see, a couple of nights ago, I had caught 2 bunnies. (This let me tell you, is not easy.) Then I calmly put them in one of my human's neighbor's yards, then I left them there as a present to her.)
   Imagine my surprise when I went to see if she wanted all of her gift, but found them gone! When I came back inside to complain to my humans about this, they were talking apologizing over and over again into one of the rectangles. Then they made me stay inside all night! Don't they know Cats are nocturnal?!
   It just doesn’t make any sense; all I did was leave 1 and 1/2 bunnies as a thoughtful gift. (I was a little hungry, and I did catch them after all, but that doesn’t mean anything!)
   What is wrong with humans these days?
-Clark the Cat

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Magic box!


Of all the mysteries of humans, the magic box is the most puzzling. It stands mounted on a wall. All shiny and dark, until a humans  points a remote thingy at it. Then it will burst with sound and light, and hypnotize my humans. They can stare at its flasy screen for hours. I have no idea what it is, why it's there, or what's so great about it! 
   It's like the mysterious rectangles all over again.
-Clark the still confused Cat

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Broken humans


Lately I'm starting to think that my humans might be broken. It's the strangest thing. I'll be laying down and then I'll hear a can opening! For all Cats, the opening of the can means yummy human food!  (Why do they always get the good stuff?) So I'll waltz into the kitchen, the picture of adorableness, you know, tail up, eyes wide. The whole shabang. Then my humans will just dump the contents of their can onto a plate and walk out! (Well, after admiring my adorableness of course.)
   Sigh. Humans are so weird.
-Clark the confused Cat

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Mysterious rectangles

Just when I think that my humans can't get any weirder, they surprise me with some strange and bizarre phenomenon of stupidity. This time, it's the rectangle.
  It sits on the counter with a wire attached to it. After a little while, one of my humans will come along and take it off the wire. Then they just carry it around and totally ignore it until it make a loud, obnoxious noise. (I think this noise is supposed to be music, but it just sounds like a bunch of ringing to me!) Then they'll press a button on it and start talking to it! After a little while, they'll stop and just listen to it, as if the rectangle is talking back to them! I've tried to listen in, but I can't hear anything.
  I just don't get what's so great about the rectangle, it has nothing to with Cats, (or more particularly me) takes up excess space, and eats up all of my human's time. Time that could be spent buying me more of my favorite special canned Cat food.
   Maybe the next time of these rectangles is on my counter I'll "accidentally" knock it off.
-Clark the diabolical Cat
 

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

The Door


Most doors are kind to Cats, opening as we wish and closing as we please. But there is one type of door that despises all Cats. No, not a d-o-g door, but a garage door. It opens with a loud rumbling that invites all of those weird smelly car things that humans ride around in inside, then in closes with another horrifying rumbling. Humans, (being the stupid creatures they are) totally ignore this terrible door, but we Cats know. (I'm not really sure what we're supposed to know, but I'm sure it's bad.)

-Clark the wise Cat

Friday, April 20, 2012

Happy Bithday to me.....

Yes, you heard that right! It's my birthday! I would have posted earlier, but my brainless humans delayed me. First, they actually FORGOT that it was my birthday, then they FORGOT how old I was turning! (It's none of your bussiness!) Luckily though, they gave me my favorite special canned Cat food. Happy Birthday to me!
-Clark the birthday Cat

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Water Water everywhere

 Cats detest many things, humans, water, d-o-g-s, but one that no one knows about is the water dish. It sits next to the beloved food dish, limiting the space for a larger food dish. In addition to that, you have to drink it all or it won't taste as good the next day.
  This is a problem that has plagued Cat for hundreds of years. Some Cats gave up and grew used to the taste.  But others have pondered and wondered, until finally, it came to them.
   They noticed that their humans would fill large bowls with water and fish. When they sampled this water, the fishy taste blocked out the taste of the old water! Pure genius!
      So now, whenever Cats are thirsty we just jump on the counter and lap up the water from our fish bowls. Thank you Cat ancestors!
-Clark the Cat

Friday, April 13, 2012

The anti-hug policy

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, the stupidity of humans is infinite. It wouldn't be so bad if they knew that they were stupid, but humans have NO idea of just how stupid they are.
       Just a few short minutes ago, while I was scratching on my scratcher, one of my humans hugged me. I know, shocking. But it gets worse! When the human in question put me down (I won't divulge any names, but it may have been Miss. Sara) She picked me up again!  I know I'm cute, but you think that my humans could show some self-restraint. Sigh. I guess that's just one of the consequences of being this beautiful.
-Clark the outrageously handsome Cat

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

The world is my scratcher!!

One of the many joys in life that only Cats can enjoy is the scratching post. Yes, there's nothing better than waking up after sleeping all day and stretching your claws out. It's one of the best possible things in the entire world. (After a full food dish of course.)
  Around my house there's a lot of scratchers. Too many to count! Long traditional ones, curved ones, even colorful ones that lie flat on the floor. (Those are actually my favorite.) The only problem with the last one is that sometimes my humans will get mad at me for using it. They'll yell for me to get off there "rug". I don't even know what a rug is (nor do I care.) To add to that ridiculousness, they also think it's theirs, but like many other things, it's mine. MINE! MINE! MINE!
Ahhhhh......
-Clark the happy Cat

Friday, April 6, 2012

Doggified

You will never believe what my humans just did to me. I was just innocently sitting down, being my adorable self, when Miss. Sara walked right past me without even stopping to tell me how great I am! AND she then went outside to see the d-o-g! Abandoning me, a Cat, for that big and smelly lump of fur!
If that wasn't enough, she actually petted the d-o-g, that's right, she PETTED him. Fortunately she came inside after that. Unfortunately though, she petted me, which wouldn't have been so bad except for that fact that her hands still had the essence of d-o-g still on them. So now, I am doggified.
- Clark the horrified Cat

Monday, March 26, 2012

What's the point?

Of a lot things, for example, most things that people do. Like school for instance, Cats don't go to school. I know that humans aren't as smart as Cats, but ya' know......
     Another example of human stupidity is one thing that happened the other day; I was just sitting in my chair and gifting the world with my brilliance when one of my humans started to brush me. I'm serious, they actually brushed me! I give myself tongue baths multiple times a day, plus, I take dust baths whenever possible. So do I need to be brushed? NO!!
 Believe it or not though, this only one of many examples of clueless and pointless human behavior.
-Clark the wiser-than-any-human Cat

Saturday, March 24, 2012

A new love.

Most Cats love food, and I am no exception, Meow mix canned Cat food, fish, and various kinds of kitty treats, it's all good! Yep, Cats love food, except for that dry, pellety food dim-witted humans usually give us. Yet, I have  found an exception. 
       A week or two ago my humans brought home a new type of Cat food. "Oh great," I thought, "more hard food in the shape of pellets. Yay."  My humans poured the new food in the bowl, "Enjoy Clarky!"  they said and walked out.  (Sorry about the unnecessary "y", that's just humans for you.)

Love at first bite!
   I crept timidly forward and leaned in for the first bite. I chewed. And was blown backward by the delicious flavors that flooded my mouth. Salmon, chicken, turkey. It was the best food I've had in ages. I jammed my head back into the bowl and took bite after flavorful bite.  It was beyond delicious.
  All too soon, I had eaten the whole bag. I waited in anticipation (or just slept, whatever you want to call it) for the next bag. However, much to my dismay, the next food was not the delicious taste sensation that the last food was. I could never go back to regular food now, after sampling that culinary delight. So I meowed at my humans until they bought me more.
-Clark the triumphant Cat

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Magical door!!!!!

 Yes, you heard that right, Magical door. Here's how it works, you go over to the door, sit down in front of it, stare at it, and POOF! It opens. Just like magic! (Mainly because it IS magic.)
     It dosen't work with just doors either, it also works with food dishes, treats, and whenever I'm itchy, one of my servants is there to scratch me.
 I'm sure you want to know how it works, and it took me many hours to figure it out, but I have come to one conclusion: it is me. I just want something, think about it, and in a few short minutes, it happens. Sometimes if the magic isn't working fast enough, I meow. I'm sure that you're begging to know how you can get this magic, and I hate to burst your bubble, but it only works if you're a Cat. (Or more specifically, me.)
-Clark the magical Cat

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Vacation

Hey peeps, do you remember a post or 2 ago when I said I only fear coyotes, The Vet, and an empty food dish? Well, there's something else. Missing humans. They went on "vacation" (whatever that is) and believe it or not, I miss them. Their constant attention, always talking about how adorable I am( like I don't already know) and everything else which I used to find annoying, I now miss. Sigh. I hope they're back soon, I miss their kitty treats. Plus, they abandoned me with another one of my human servants and the d-o-g! I better get LOTS of extra attention when they get back!
-Clark the Cat
P.S. I hope my humans don't read that.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Up, up up!

Cats enjoy many things in life, out of all of these, superiority over all other creatures is the most treasured. Though WE know we're superior, some creatures (humans) don't acknowledge it.
          So, a good way to prove our superiority to them is to get up high, in the tops of bookshelves, closet shelves, really any kind of shelves. Then we can look down on them, on everything, as it should be.
-Clark the superior Cat

Friday, March 2, 2012

The Vet.

Everybody has fears. Believe it or not, even I have fears. But, I only have 2:
  • Coyotes
  • The Vet
(Well, and an empty food dish, that's pretty scary too.) Usually I can go through life without having to worry about any of these, but two days ago (on Leap Day!) I had to meet one of these head on! Worse yet is was the one I fear the most, the Vet. I will not go into the frightening experience I endured, but I will say this, three shots. That's right. THREE. Three whole shots. And they were big needles.
     When I returned home, I just slept all day, (which I do anyways, but this was different.)
-Clark the traumatized Cat

Monday, February 20, 2012

Seasons.

Hey peeps, I must ask, what season is it right now? It's supposed to be winter, but just yesterday we had warm springy weather, today wintery cold with an icy wind.  I did not give the seasons permission to change. Who can I talk to?
-Clark the Cat

Friday, February 10, 2012

Februrary Contest!

Hey peeps, I know it's a little late, but I had a great idea for the February contest. The human servants have to submit a picture, poem, or video about how much they love their masters. They should have an unending source of material to write about, considering how hard we work, not to mention just how plain awesome we are!
Happy early Valentine's Day!
-Clark the lovable Cat
P.S. To human servants, we like fish and Cat treats instead of chocolate as Valentine's day presents.

Monday, February 6, 2012

The winner............................

Hello peeps, I'm finally posting the winner of the  Janurary contest. And the winner is...... (drumroll).......
Waylon and his human slave Jasmin! Congratulations!   Here's the hilarious/strange video:
-Clark the Cat
P.S. I feel bad for that gummi bear.

    

Monday, January 30, 2012

Get a clue!

Hey Peeps-
Have I ever told you how hard the life of a Cat is? Sleep, eat,  sleep, eat, go outside, irritate humans, be adorable, sleep more, eat more. I mean, sometimes I even have to wait to go outside.
         So I decided to subtly tell my human slaves that they take too long. I mean, if I'm sitting in front of the door, looking at it, then I expect it to be opened promptly. I mean come on! I need what I need when I need it! Get with the program peeps!
            Another thing, is whenever someone is in the kitchen, I will walk in, quite charmingly (if I do say so of myself), and I sometimes don't get any extra food! Seriously people!!!
       So, to certain clueless humans, this is for you. (You know who you are.)
-Clark the Cat

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Think before you comment.

Hi peeps. I have an important message to deliver. I recently got 7 entries in my January contest, all submitted from the same person under different names. Names of my followers and other people who comment frequently. This was rude and just plain mean. I'm sorry for those of you who saw your name in the comments. I have deleted all 7 of them, with hopes that this never happens again. I personally know the person, and this is going out to them as well as others. So please, next time you're bored and have nothing to do, don't just type the names of  people you don't even know, it's disrespectful to them and me.
-Clark

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Janurary Contest.

Hey peeps, I  thought of a contest for this month. You find a funny video, and leave the URL in the comments. Genius! Yes, I know I am. I'll announce the winner on the 31st.
Clark the genius Cat

Monday, January 16, 2012

Invasion!

Hello peeps, followers, Cats, d-o-g-s, and human servants. I have some chilling news. Just yesterday morning, when I went outside to guard my territory, I saw it. "It" was a coyote. A big grayish-brownish coyote. Sniffing around in the yard across from mine. (The yard which just so happens to be mine also, as I own the whole street.) I made the smart move, and banged into the door. Miss. Sara opened it,and I flew inside, not because I was scared or anything, just to plot my revenge against this territory invasion. In the end, Mrs. Lucinda chased it off. (She also screamed at it a little.)  I'm still thinking about it.  Evil coyote!  Grrrrrrr..........     
           In totally unrelated news, most of you probably noticed the new link to my youtube channel. Currently, there's only one video of me. Titled "Cat erupting from box." If for some reason the link doesn't work, here's the URL: www.youtube.com/MrClarkCat
-Clark the Cat

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Ugh.

Hi peeps. It's me Clark. I've mostly been inside all week. I'm not feeling so good. Ugh. I've been sleeping all day. And am going to continue sleeping.(Which I usually do anyways, being a Cat and all.) Sigh. Oh well, maybe one of my humans will give me some of my Extra Special Meow Mix canned Cat food. Yummy. I still have 2 cans left. Yawn. Going to sleep more.
-Clark the sickly Cat

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Happy New Year!

Hey peeps! Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My human slaves just got done watching the giant, sparkly ball drop in New York. Then they screamed and hopped around. Humans are so weird. This is my first post in 2012, so I figured I should do something significant. Hmmmmmmm..................................... Give me a minute. Um... I got nothing! Wait- I'LL JUST WRITE IN A ALL CAPS!!!! :) I'M A GENIUS. SO, MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS ARE:
 TO CHANGE NOTHING, I'M A CAT AND YOU CAN'T GET ANY MORE PERFECT THAN THAT!!
WELCOME TO 2012! HAPPY NEW YEAR PEEPS!
-CLARK THE ALREADY PERFECT CAT