Sunday, April 29, 2012

Mysterious rectangles

Just when I think that my humans can't get any weirder, they surprise me with some strange and bizarre phenomenon of stupidity. This time, it's the rectangle.
  It sits on the counter with a wire attached to it. After a little while, one of my humans will come along and take it off the wire. Then they just carry it around and totally ignore it until it make a loud, obnoxious noise. (I think this noise is supposed to be music, but it just sounds like a bunch of ringing to me!) Then they'll press a button on it and start talking to it! After a little while, they'll stop and just listen to it, as if the rectangle is talking back to them! I've tried to listen in, but I can't hear anything.
  I just don't get what's so great about the rectangle, it has nothing to with Cats, (or more particularly me) takes up excess space, and eats up all of my human's time. Time that could be spent buying me more of my favorite special canned Cat food.
   Maybe the next time of these rectangles is on my counter I'll "accidentally" knock it off.
-Clark the diabolical Cat

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

The Door

Most doors are kind to Cats, opening as we wish and closing as we please. But there is one type of door that despises all Cats. No, not a d-o-g door, but a garage door. It opens with a loud rumbling that invites all of those weird smelly car things that humans ride around in inside, then in closes with another horrifying rumbling. Humans, (being the stupid creatures they are) totally ignore this terrible door, but we Cats know. (I'm not really sure what we're supposed to know, but I'm sure it's bad.)

-Clark the wise Cat

Friday, April 20, 2012

Happy Bithday to me.....

Yes, you heard that right! It's my birthday! I would have posted earlier, but my brainless humans delayed me. First, they actually FORGOT that it was my birthday, then they FORGOT how old I was turning! (It's none of your bussiness!) Luckily though, they gave me my favorite special canned Cat food. Happy Birthday to me!
-Clark the birthday Cat

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Water Water everywhere

 Cats detest many things, humans, water, d-o-g-s, but one that no one knows about is the water dish. It sits next to the beloved food dish, limiting the space for a larger food dish. In addition to that, you have to drink it all or it won't taste as good the next day.
  This is a problem that has plagued Cat for hundreds of years. Some Cats gave up and grew used to the taste.  But others have pondered and wondered, until finally, it came to them.
   They noticed that their humans would fill large bowls with water and fish. When they sampled this water, the fishy taste blocked out the taste of the old water! Pure genius!
      So now, whenever Cats are thirsty we just jump on the counter and lap up the water from our fish bowls. Thank you Cat ancestors!
-Clark the Cat

Friday, April 13, 2012

The anti-hug policy

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, the stupidity of humans is infinite. It wouldn't be so bad if they knew that they were stupid, but humans have NO idea of just how stupid they are.
       Just a few short minutes ago, while I was scratching on my scratcher, one of my humans hugged me. I know, shocking. But it gets worse! When the human in question put me down (I won't divulge any names, but it may have been Miss. Sara) She picked me up again!  I know I'm cute, but you think that my humans could show some self-restraint. Sigh. I guess that's just one of the consequences of being this beautiful.
-Clark the outrageously handsome Cat

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

The world is my scratcher!!

One of the many joys in life that only Cats can enjoy is the scratching post. Yes, there's nothing better than waking up after sleeping all day and stretching your claws out. It's one of the best possible things in the entire world. (After a full food dish of course.)
  Around my house there's a lot of scratchers. Too many to count! Long traditional ones, curved ones, even colorful ones that lie flat on the floor. (Those are actually my favorite.) The only problem with the last one is that sometimes my humans will get mad at me for using it. They'll yell for me to get off there "rug". I don't even know what a rug is (nor do I care.) To add to that ridiculousness, they also think it's theirs, but like many other things, it's mine. MINE! MINE! MINE!
-Clark the happy Cat

Friday, April 6, 2012


You will never believe what my humans just did to me. I was just innocently sitting down, being my adorable self, when Miss. Sara walked right past me without even stopping to tell me how great I am! AND she then went outside to see the d-o-g! Abandoning me, a Cat, for that big and smelly lump of fur!
If that wasn't enough, she actually petted the d-o-g, that's right, she PETTED him. Fortunately she came inside after that. Unfortunately though, she petted me, which wouldn't have been so bad except for that fact that her hands still had the essence of d-o-g still on them. So now, I am doggified.
- Clark the horrified Cat